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Train – 3

Director – Gideon Raff

Cast – Thora Bitch, Gideon Emery, Kavan Reece, Derek Magyar, Gloria Votsis, Todd Jensen, Vladimir Vladimirov, Koyna Ruseva, Valentin Ganev, Ivan Barney, Nikolay Mutafchiev

Release Year – 2008

Reviewed by John of the Dead

This is a film I had been hearing about for quite some time, and nearly everything that I heard was negative.  For some reason though it seemed a lot of my friends had seen this flick, so despite the negative banter I myself had to give this one a watch, and I can see exactly where the negative remarks came from.

Train stars Thora Birch as Alex, a young American wrestler who’s team is competing at a number of wrestling tournaments in Europe.  When the team misses their train to the next tournament they accept an offer to board another train embarking to the same location.  Little do these naïve Americans know, they are boarding a train used for grisly experiments on humans…and they are the next subjects.

Well, I do not regret watching this film because it provided me an opportunity to write this review and warn you all of the consequences of watching a film as bad as this one.  Blurred vision, extreme nausea, and explosive bowel movements are all side-effects for watching Train.  Seriously.

Director Gideon Raff made himself known to gorehounds with 2007’s The Killing Floor, and if not for the gore in this watch it would have been the stinker of all stinkers.  We are given numerous scenes of insane live-action gore that hits fairly hard and is definitely the only positive element of the film.  Everything else is poorly executed and his direction fails on all other levels.  In fact, even the gore scenes could have been better executed, given the only good thing about those scenes was the gore itself, not how it was used.  We get poor acting performances from all those involved, and the pacing of the film never catches on despite the good gore thrown in front of the viewer.

Story-wise the film is equally as bad as the direction, another failing effort from Gideon Raff given he also wrote this piece.  The idea is cool given I love that the film offers a nowhere-to-run scenario once our protagonists get on the train, and the unspeakable acts the antagonists do only added to the scenario.  Basically, this is Hostel on a train.  Sadly, the film never once finds itself in the positive realm throughout its 94 minute runtime despite an overall plot that held some potential.  The dialogue between characters is horrible, and we are given no likeable characters whatsoever, which should have been a given to me when I saw that Thora Birch was starring.

Overall, this is a pathetic watch that despite some very ballsy gore never gives the viewer anything more than that.  Poor execution/direction, a pathetic story, and a bunch of unlikable characters in an already unlikable movie make this a highly un-recommended watch.

Rating: 3/10

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